Passing thoughts

I was getting dinner ready last night and my husband, I assume sensing the lowered mood, gave me a hug.

He asked how I was doing.

"Better than the last couple of days, actually."

"Feeling bad?"

"Not physically."

"Depressed?"

"Yep. But it'll pass. It always does. Membership in my childless clubhouse has dwindled... in fact, it's empty."

It was a very, very brief conversation from there as I really wasn't in the mood, or the right place, to discuss the matter.

He talked about how the couple in question had really wanted kids, came up in families with siblings (and point which made little sense... so did the both of us, even though our parents split; but so did Big Poppa's).

"You really want kids," he asked, with a somewhat surprised tone.

I looked at him, tired. "Honestly, most days, I'm fine with it," I said, not answering the question.

He made his now standard jokish "I don' want no bebbehs" line. I just looked at him and said "Don't. Please don't."

He made some protestation that if we were to have a child, one of our lifestyles would have to change. "Probably mine," I said. He protested it would be his that would change.

Admittedly, he's probably right. But change isn't necessarily bad. He has said in the past that he would have to give up riding the motorcycle, though I've never expressed that expectation. He might have to cut out long road trips for the first year or two, but I would never ask him to give up something that's been part of his life for 20 years, and something which we have enjoyed together.

His own limitations on this one are of his own making. Life does change with children, I'm smart enough to know that. But change doesn't necessarily mean deprivation from the things you enjoy. It just may mean less of those things.

I pulled my leftovers from the microwave, put his in and sat down with my food. Managed to not cry. That urge has become less in less in the days since the newest arrival's arrival.

But I really didn't want to talk about it then. Not while the urge to cry was still coming and going.

And I swear, honestly. Most days... not having children doesn't both me. There are periodic flashes, though...